from someone who nearly almost came close to dying due to this house*

1. You start having random internet dropouts and power flickers

Your house is planning on removing any method of outside communication, these are the first signs a killing spree is about to begin.

2. Discovering the creaky roof flooring is made of chipboard coated with waterproof paint.

Your house has discovered the perfect disguise for 3 story drop. Just stand over there.. yes on the bit that creaks loudly as you walk across it, I’m sure you’ll be fine.

3. Finding hidden rooms and a trapdoor under the carpet.

The trapdoor leads to the house’s stomach.. nothing that’s been down here has come back up. Do not in any circumstances attempt to shelter in here, you’ve got a better chance of surviving the nuclear bomb outside than this house.

The hidden rooms will open themselves to the unsuspecting visitors, trapping them within the walls to devour later. Don’t invite your friends around if you find any of these hollows.

4. Noticing the amount of single power points that have had permanent power boards installed as a solution to the “not enough plugs around here” issue.

Yes, I’m talking about the famed “kitchen of death”. With enough applicances wired up to one point the total power output of one socket could power a death star for a week.

These cables are your houses backup plan, if it can’t catch you unawares.. water from the roof combined with electricity ought to cure you of life.

5. Finding permanent power cords dangling between building and pillars (see pic) for no good reason.

Your house is a very forward thinking piece of evil. These will catch out those attempting to escape from the house, strangulation or decapitation are the obvious attempts.

6. Roof drainage pipes running through the master bedroom.

An excellent point for your house to release the water that’s pooled in the “creaky fake chipboard roof area” turning your floor into a slip and slide. In 9/10 cases of house-implicated-murder this act will be performed close to sharp objects such as fire poker racks, umbrella stands, or occasionally in front of the odd brain mangling staircase.

7. Lightbulbs dropping from the ceiling without warning.

Ever heard of people dieing from head injuries caused by falling coconuts? Unfortunately, so did your house.

8. Amatuer building jobs that are incredibly obvious to spot.

These although not dangerous on their own, mean that your house is testing how easily it can distract you for when it eventually instigates your demise through a series of cunning traps.

9. Unlevel floors creak and groan.

An solid indication that your house is actually 2 seperate entities, both hellbent on killing you all.

10. Doors locking for no reason, keys disappearing and turning up hours later.

Your house doesn’t plan on making any form of escape easy, but needs to ensure you can’t just bust that door down with those $49.99 internet kung fu lessons.

Now you know the truth, when the apocolypse comes you can come live in a tree with me.

*Ok so I kicked my toe and it hurt a lot. I still blame the house.